Néw Résumé Tímé

Shortly after last night's decision to get a little creative, I think I went gonzo and typed a multiparagraph tirade in lieu of a traditional resume. I have not sent this to anyone yet, and depending on my judgment/sanity at the time of next New Job Search, I may decide to just keep plugging away at my old, boring, practical one. Not sure yet. So anyhow, here is my 4am whatever from earlier this morning shortly before losing what was left of my ability to comprehend reality for the day. Enjoy.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hoping that this is not the typical resume that you see day in, day out. If this has been done before then alas, but I never thought I was a terribly original person anyhow. I'm not going to give you a specific breakdown of the various schools and employers forced to deal with me over the years, but instead I shall prattle on aimlessly in hopes of catching someone's attention where my usual resume has failed, or at the very least bring a smile to your face for but one fleeting moment.

My professional history is simple. In high school I was a tutor, then I got a job at the local K-mart so by the time I hit college I could buy a car. Something cheap, but not necessarily explosive in nature. Once I hit the years of higher eduction, K-mart was wearing thin, so I did what all the fancy kids do and found myself a nice, boring office job. That worked just fine for years. In fact I even stayed with the same boring office job once I finished my Bachelor of Arts because hey, they were pretty decent folk and the pay kept increasing the more I did what they told me to do. Anyhow, so after quite some time at that same place, I moved on to another very similar job because they offered me the world, and by the world I mean a nicer salary and more laid back atmosphere, two things that don't often combine but sure did sound sweet to me. What I didn't know is that “laid back” really meant “laid off” after only a year or so, and here I am, fruitlessly stuck collecting unemployment checks as I desperately search for jobs that seemingly no longer exist.

My personal life is needlessly complex, but uneventful to the point of sheer boredom to anyone not immediately part of it to a vast extent. I shall summarize it briefly by saying that my two main hobbies are writing and music. I write a lot, I read a lot, I listen to and play a lot of music. I wish I had more time to devote to all of that. I wish I got paid to do what I love, but unless I'm sending this to Rolling Stone or perhaps to some huge record label alongside my band's latest demo album, the chances of that are slim. Oh, and one quick aside, I am a long haired male. For whatever reason this image-based society deems me a biker, drug addict, or some other form of unkempt individual, but I assure you that I am none of those things.

Well I think that about wraps it up. Oh, you might be wondering what field I was part of for 9 years, or perhaps what specific school or subject in which my BA degree was procured, but really, does it matter? If so, and you've read this far into this whole mess, odds are I have piqued your interest enough to warrant a phone call (if anything perhaps just for a stern talking-to), and I will be glad to discuss any specific details you would like to hear about at that time.

Sincerely,



Adrian Smith

I'll probably only send it to potential writing jobs, but hey, maybe somebody else in a Boring Office Job that nobody cares about may sympathize and grant me pity employment.