First Interview

What do I wear what should I say how do I look what's my motivation should I shave what kind of cologne should I put on do you think flowers are too much for a first interview what about if we go to lunch am I supposed to pay are my teeth too yellow will my voice crack can she tell I jerked off in the bathroom 10 minutes prior what if my genes don't match up to their charts what about my political leanings am I too left too right too curvy too straight I've got long hair is that a deal killer does she think I'm a pothead or just a dirty hippie but maybe I'm too old too young over/under qualified and I went to the wrong school and got the wrong degree and she probably knows about that one time I cheated on an art history test by copying someone's answers that were wrong so I failed anyhow and maybe I should have paid more attention in gym class because I could be in the NFL now even if I never did sign up for football to begin with but what about winning the lottery because god damn is that cheap and easy but not very practical and the odds suck anyhow but hey maybe I'll start working out and sign myself up for pornography I'm sure my girlfriend will be okay with that as long as we can cover the bills and maybe a little extra on the side but oh wait I'm still at this interview I hope I didn't doze off or had my eyes glaze over holy shit did I really just yell out a profanity for no apparent reason well maybe she didn't notice I'll just pretend it never happened and maybe she'll follow my lead and OH NO I FORGOT TO WEAR PANTS.