Despair

No, not the Nabokov novel, though that is swell indeed (and not nearly as depressing as I assumed it would be), rather I speak of the feeling of hopelessness that one can succumb to at times of utter, well, despair. Yes yes, I understand that there is nothing I can do to help the current global economic collapse (outside of digging myself into debt like The Fed so desperately wants us all to do at this point), other than go through the motions of applying for jobs that dried up ages ago yet continue to rot like so much bad fruit on the Monster.com vine. So, as a realist to this entire situation, the feeling does not hit me very often, but at this current moment, I'm a bit depressed. My second unemployment extension is set to start within just a few short weeks, and while my billz are very thankful to have that wee stipend to help stave them off until the next month, it is a continually discouraging feeling that no, I am not in control of my immediate, let alone far away, financial future. Granted, after almost an entire year spent Without Job we are in a lot better shape that I thought we would have been when It First Hit The Fan, but that does not mean things are peachy keen. Not even close. So, here are some words of encouragement for anyone finding themselves in a situation similar to my current mental instability concerning the whole mess:

Things are still going to get worse.

All this crap about late 2009 seeing the end of the recession, housing bottoming out, government stimulus jobs coming out the wazoo, and other lies, are, like I just stated completely factually, lies. The root of the current economic problem is housing, and housing has a long way to go before it comes back, or even stops shitting itself to some degree. Since myself and Ze Woman are currently getting in the mood to buy a house (yes, even without me working, how smart is that?), I've been doing even more research than usual about such things, because apparently even though construction left me hanging in the lurch last year, I still cling to it for at least some form of daily entertainment. There are deals in the cheaper housing areas right now, a lot of them even. But in the mid-range to upper? Nothing doing. Yet. However, the days of looming Alt-A / Option ARM resets are coming (Google it for more information), and this will send additional shitwaves through the system that has already been wracked by the subprime mess. That means more job losses, lower home prices (by the way this is a GOOD THING because housing is still TOO EXPENSIVE), and all the other associated crapola we have had to deal with since early 2006.

Of course I think things currently are much worse than any of the powers that be are letting on, what with the banks that should have failed a year ago still being propped up by future tax dollars. We were told the bailouts would Fix Everything, but in reality they were nothing more than tools in order to Buy Time in hopes that things would Get Better on their own. They haven't, so either more bailouts are in store (while people will still stand for them), or perhaps Oblammer will be honest with the world and say "yeah, shits all fucked up," allowing the Zombie Banks to fall on their collective faces, allowing some form of new system to rise up from the stinking ashes. Not that he is the only that has to, as it seems nearly every other country in the world is equally fucked than the US, if not more so. We just happen to the be largest zit on the forehead. Either way, the current state of Almost Done is all bullshit, and we're in for a much deeper storm than most people let on.

Although it's not as though I've given up hope, no no. In finding a job soon sure, I continually doubt that will happen anytime soon, especially since the last time I got my hopes up for just that I went into a prolonged funk, but as for the fate of the overall populace? We'll be fine. Eventually. I'm not nearly as pessimistic as I was about this even 6 months ago, if anything I think this Great Downsizing may be seen as a Good Thing someday in the far future. I'm certain that the world will get through this and come through stronger, because we shall, for the first time in 75 years or longer, be able to shrug off that horrible spectre of Perpetual Debt, either by force or perhaps just by finger. Well, unless peak oil hits us in the face before somebody comes up with a viable alternative that is. Because if oil dries up before that, everything will be solved by mass extinction of the human race. Whee!!!

Néw Résumé Tímé

Shortly after last night's decision to get a little creative, I think I went gonzo and typed a multiparagraph tirade in lieu of a traditional resume. I have not sent this to anyone yet, and depending on my judgment/sanity at the time of next New Job Search, I may decide to just keep plugging away at my old, boring, practical one. Not sure yet. So anyhow, here is my 4am whatever from earlier this morning shortly before losing what was left of my ability to comprehend reality for the day. Enjoy.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hoping that this is not the typical resume that you see day in, day out. If this has been done before then alas, but I never thought I was a terribly original person anyhow. I'm not going to give you a specific breakdown of the various schools and employers forced to deal with me over the years, but instead I shall prattle on aimlessly in hopes of catching someone's attention where my usual resume has failed, or at the very least bring a smile to your face for but one fleeting moment.

My professional history is simple. In high school I was a tutor, then I got a job at the local K-mart so by the time I hit college I could buy a car. Something cheap, but not necessarily explosive in nature. Once I hit the years of higher eduction, K-mart was wearing thin, so I did what all the fancy kids do and found myself a nice, boring office job. That worked just fine for years. In fact I even stayed with the same boring office job once I finished my Bachelor of Arts because hey, they were pretty decent folk and the pay kept increasing the more I did what they told me to do. Anyhow, so after quite some time at that same place, I moved on to another very similar job because they offered me the world, and by the world I mean a nicer salary and more laid back atmosphere, two things that don't often combine but sure did sound sweet to me. What I didn't know is that “laid back” really meant “laid off” after only a year or so, and here I am, fruitlessly stuck collecting unemployment checks as I desperately search for jobs that seemingly no longer exist.

My personal life is needlessly complex, but uneventful to the point of sheer boredom to anyone not immediately part of it to a vast extent. I shall summarize it briefly by saying that my two main hobbies are writing and music. I write a lot, I read a lot, I listen to and play a lot of music. I wish I had more time to devote to all of that. I wish I got paid to do what I love, but unless I'm sending this to Rolling Stone or perhaps to some huge record label alongside my band's latest demo album, the chances of that are slim. Oh, and one quick aside, I am a long haired male. For whatever reason this image-based society deems me a biker, drug addict, or some other form of unkempt individual, but I assure you that I am none of those things.

Well I think that about wraps it up. Oh, you might be wondering what field I was part of for 9 years, or perhaps what specific school or subject in which my BA degree was procured, but really, does it matter? If so, and you've read this far into this whole mess, odds are I have piqued your interest enough to warrant a phone call (if anything perhaps just for a stern talking-to), and I will be glad to discuss any specific details you would like to hear about at that time.

Sincerely,



Adrian Smith

I'll probably only send it to potential writing jobs, but hey, maybe somebody else in a Boring Office Job that nobody cares about may sympathize and grant me pity employment.

Time to get creative.

Well this got stupid a long time ago. Nobody pays attention to when I apply for a job, so unless it is simply a case of hundreds upon thousands of similar applicants flooding away at anything they see, I need to make some changes to hopefully pop out to anyone reading my (sometimes) ample qualifications. So, I have decided to include the following sentences peppered throughout my work and education history within my resume:

"Built up an alcohol tolerance of extraordinary magnitude."

"...getting the short end of the stick with an unexpected pink slip after being wooed to go work for a new company with my old boss."

"...making sure the dishes are cleaned before fiancée returns from work..."

"...driving all over Southern California in an attempt to launch music career that has little hope of succeeding..."

"...losing sanity over mundane existence."

I'm also considering inserting random swear words just for kicks. Let's see if anyone is paying attention, hmm?

$95

Not counting unemployment checks and bank account interest, that is how much money I've made since losing my job. I used to make $95 before lunch on a daily basis. Scratch that, I just did the calculation, I used to make $95 just after 10:30am each work day. Wow. That is far too depressing a statistic to continue on this current blog-path. Think I'll go hang myself, or at least visit http://www.freetetris.org/ for a spell. Gone.

Okay nevermind, after the initial shock of that horrific exercise in wallet-sized mathematic discovery, I'm back. Didn't even get a single round of Tetris off even. Why? Because that number really doesn't matter. No giant burden has unleashed itself unto my household since last August, and even what few moneyfights The Woman and I have succumbed to have been brief at worst. Well okay, I think with one I ended up waltzing out the door off to the hills for the majority of the night, without my cell phone of course because yes I'm Just That Mature, but that was an isolated incident. Generally speaking, I'm probably a happier person these days, regardless of the fact that certain months we barely squeak by with Them Billz, because money is only a tool to be utilized when able, nothing to get chained down by when not.

So. $95. More than 10 months. No temp jobs, no great musical escapades, nope. Just a handful of freelance writing assignments, obviously few and far between. I stopped hearing from numerous job applications in any way, shape, or form months ago. Hopefully they'll keep pumping my mailbox with unemployment benefits as this Economic Recovery begins to take hold. Just kidding. There is no recovery. Not for years. Wait and see.

$80,000

So I just did a quick calculation on how much money I've "thrown down the terlit" by renting since moving out of my parents' abode in the year 2001, with the total residing somewhere in the land of $80,000. Adding property taxes, home repair, HOA fees, general upkeep, and interest to the fold brings the total to... $80,000. Yeah, you like that, idiot. Oh sure I never got a sweet mortgage deduction tax credit, but then again, come on people, do the fucking math: getting $10k back from the IRS doens't mean squat if it cost you $40k in various payments to them in the first place. Yes, it's better than the paltry $60 renter's credit I used to qualify for (and might once again this year, hooray!), but still. Not that great of a deal really. So even though obviously my own job security is 100% guaranteed in that I'm not currently working, every several months I start taking a serious look at buying a house. Hey, I still live in dwelling that, during normal economic times, is an UNSTOPPABLE STRONGHOLD OF DUAL INCOME, so why not shop around at least? Because those days shall return. Someday. Hopefully.

I've been reading articles lately that discuss how the low-end of the housing market has returned to reality, but the mid-range stuff is still ridiculous, and finally the high-end rests up in some corner of the globe known as Who Gives A Fuck. After several days worth of research, I must concur that this is correct. There are deals right now. A lot of them. I've found all kinds of starter homes in the $50k to $90k range, which, while not in the nicest of areas, are plenty affordable for a whole lot of people (nearly including myself, sorta). Unfortunately, in the area where I live and would like to remain for the time being, housing is still foolishly Stuck On Stupid. Down the street from us I have watched a pad sit there motionless for nearly 6 months, beginning with an asking price of $375k, quickly dropping to $269k, and now settling at $229k. Still motionless of course, still too expensive. Similar properties are the same. While I won't get into the Pending Alt-A Madness waiting just 'round the corner, I do know that if I want to buy in this area, I will have to wait for that other shoe to drop. Granted, with a huge hospital close by there are a shitload of doctors and nurses in this area so I don't ever expect all the nice joints to go for way cheap here, at least anytime soon, but good deals are certainly looming. Someday. Hopefully.

So, since I "wasted" $80,000 already, what's another several grand over the next year or so? Not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things (oh so punny!), and for the time being, especially given my continuously jobless ways, I'd much rather sit on any extra money I still thankfully have rather than plunking it all into a downpayment that is just as likely to disappear before escrow closes than actually speed along the process. Oh sure, I could have paid cash for a cheap house right now if I lived with my parents over the last 8 years, completely demolishing my pride, sanity, and sex life all at once, but even looking backward I still don't consider that to be the smartest of all possible options. I do think a few stupid mistakes I made were purchasing two brand new vehicles, one before finishing college and another just 2 years later, along with running up about $10k worth of credit card debt at one point, but blowing money on a rented domicile or three is not something I consider a mistake. In this country, few have the luxury of living under a free roof. It's just how things work, unless of course we all go back to happily living in caves, after realizing the utter folly that mankind has truly become. Which eventually we just might do. Someday. Hopefully.

Ten Freaking Months

Well, technically that milestone shall not become breached until Monday, but at 1:30pm on Friday I somehow doubt that I'll be getting any Magical Job Phonecalls for this next workweek's 8am. Hey, just because I'm trying to be Mr. Musician doesn't mean I'm not still looking for regular work. I have no problem going back to losing sleep in order to fulfill my creative side if Real Honest Work takes up 40+ hours per week, I did that for years without much issue outside the periodic bout of sleep-deprived insanity (which honestly, sometimes I enjoy a little bit). Fact is, probably 78.932% of musicians I consider My Heroes have normal day jobs when they aren't busy cultivating their soul's life requirement, because unless you make The Big Time, that is pretty much how things go. Note: I'd rather get paid strictly for music-based work, and that is my current goal, but if it doesn't pan out it's not like I'm going to quit playing. Which brings me to this recent discovery:



The album is called Transmutations by the post-core / jazz group Yakuza, and wow is it amazing. I listened to it once several months ago but forgot about it, then last night stumbled upon a great article about the Working Stiff aka Starving Artist during this current recession which featured Bruce Lamont from the group, and got to a re-listening. Once again I just casually tossed it on in the background, but a little beyond halfway through the album it caught me unawares and I sat there staring at the stereo waiting for what word of wisdom it would spew forth next. Oh sure, everybody loves albums with great a lead-off track, but sometimes it's really fun when the strong stuff is left for the tail end of things, perhaps to whittle out the nonbelievers and only grant the real cheese to those truly paying attention. This is not an album for most people, but if you prefer your rock n' roll a bit more adventurous, or maybe you're an old jazzhead looking for the next natural progression of things instead of growing endlessly tired of your genre being taken over by muzak, perhaps this would make a proper avenue to explore.

So here I am in the double-digit land of monthly unemployment, with the real rate hitting 16.4% as announced today, albeit seemingly slowing down from the utter catastrophe it was becoming just a short while ago. In other words, things are still getting worse, just not as quickly. I still do not expect any great changes to anyone's overall jobless condition, simply because I do think we have reached a turning point in this world, and yet I still wait for someone of public importance to stand up and say: "the old ways have failed, we must now move on to this Great New Thing." Until that happens, the gradual slide shall continue. Bring on the Amero!

The Calling

Some people hear it, others may never heed its word, still fewer will answer it properly. I do believe that many, if not every, persons on the earth have a specific purpose to their existence. No, I'm not going to get religious because while everyone should be able and willing to believe what they want, I think that crap is all a bunch of hooey. That being said, we all have a calling in life, and finding it should take some priority.

I have been listening to a lot of Acid Bath and Miles Davis lately. There have been many times where I think "I wish I could create music like this," but now I try to remind myself that no, that is not what I am supposed to do. Oh sure, I play around with heavy riffs and still maintain my role in a jazz fusion group, but I'm never going to write a song like Venus Blue or create the next Bitches Brew. However, I can and will be a solid bassist for anyone who is a great songwriter, all while creating odd ambient/noise tracks here and there when time/inspiration allows. It is what I am designed for, and denying that will lead to the fulfillment of yet another of life's self-defeating prophecies. Thankfully my latest endeavour is allowing me to explore both sides of those immediate creative desires, what with me playing along to the songs and adding my form of ambient nonsense for between-tune delights.

Another calling is writing, but over the last 2.5 years of bringing a little focus to that direction of my persona I have discovered that, with regard to the very thing I first began this god damn sentence with, I have absolutely HORRID organizational skills with such things. Oh sure, if someone offered me a writing gig at Rolling Stone I would quite happily go back to my hobbyist ways concerning music, but that isn't likely to happen until I get my shit together instead of continually blathering about the awfully boring (boringly awful?) economy for reasons I still have yet to determine. Seriously, knock that shit off, will ya?

Failing the whole music thing, I'll go and get my Class A driver's license, because as anyone who knows me well will attest, I can drive for 12 hours straight throughout the country whenever necessary. Another calling that would, at the very least, give me enough time to catch up on my CD collection.